Apr 03 2009
On Relationships Counseling: Single or in a Relationship?
On Relationships Counseling: Single or in a Relationship?
The Case for Being in Relationships and in Communion with Others:
When it comes to interacting with others, it is good to celebrate and appreciate our differences because they help us learn how to love better. But it is inexplicable joy when you find someone like yourself to spend intimate quality time together- someone with whom you can share life’s mysteries. To feel heard, understood, appreciated and admired by another is joyous. It is an uplifting and refreshing to experience knowing and understanding another’s heart and finding a common connection. Being with another like yourself is utopia; you feel at one with another in a way that validates your entire existence and wipes away any feelings of isolation or difference from others.
But if what we turn to as our center or source is family, spouse, finances, or other gratifications, then we may be chained to escape strategies- wanting to quit or flee, to do something more or different than we are doing. This is because disappointment is inevitable. People or objects will fail us in some way. We may develop feelings of wanting to veer off to “safe ground” by whatever escape strategies we use: drugs or alcohol, putting up walls, fleeing to a new situation, avoidance, or fantasizing of something better. The things we center ourselves with and put our hope in often result in neediness, selfishness, pride, or make us want to escape. Relationships cost us much because in relationships, it is necessary to step outside yourself and be interested in others as you would yourself, which takes attention away from yourself and often involves sacrifice and compromise. And with as many commonalities you may have with another, there are always some differences, and these differences cost us our comfort. Relationships challenge and strengthen us, when we are able to succesfully take into account others’ opinions and decisions, thoughts and feelings, along with our own. Often times, disappointment in our partners, spouses, or friends occurrs, and sometimes this results in separation or divorce. And you are alone again.
The Case for Being Alone or in Isolation from Others:
Some people have keen yearnings to be alone or by themselves. It has its advantages. When you are alone, you can have your own perceptions, your own energy, not have to talk. You can imagine lively and intelligent conversation with people who care in your minds eye- and when you are alone, your mind’s eye is never wrong. No one is there to give you a different perception or challenge your thoughts. You can smile or talk aloud and not have to explain yourself. You can imagine someone just understands things as you say them. When you are alone, you can think and not have to put things into words, because you can just imagine that you are talking- that someone is a concerned observer of your life! You can smile, dance, have your fantasies and dreams, and no one is around to tell you that they don’t make sense, that they could never be true, or that you are neurotic or a dreamer. When you are alone, you can control your environment completely- a whole bubble in life that remains untouched for the time you have alone. You are king of the mountain! No surprises, no faulty outcomes that occur from outside expectations. And when you are alone, you only have to care about yourself, not having to think about what someone else is thinking or perceiving, and have to respond or react. Being alone means the opportunity for pure wreckless abandon and freedom. Your mind can simulate perfection. Everybody smiles in your dreams of daily life- everything thinks nice thoughts about you, everyone admires you as much as you admire them.
The Conclusion- the Balance:
In relationships with others, we are fulfilling a greater purpose by learning how to love each other. Being alone should be cherished and appreciated and not something to be feared. But it is also healthy to temper our alone time by cultivating relationships, forming bonds with others and working through our differences. This means learning to accept what comes, not attach too much to outcomes, and weathering disappointments in others. It seems that balance is key- learning to love yourself when you are alone, while also learning to love others as you would want to be loved.
For counseling and therapy services in Winter Park or Orlando areas, call 407.835.3673 for more information or to set up an appointment!