Orlando Counseling : Harmony Counseling Group

On Relationships Counseling: The DBT Skill- Validate

          I once read on the back of a sugar packet, “An optimist is someone who can give good advice when things are going their way.” That was a poignant moment, contemplating the statement as images came to mind of those people who make a quip in passing to a melencholoy person, “Cheer up!” or “Smile!” And the all-too-often response to the optimist- a begrudging grimace or frustrated glance. Oh how some of the receivers of these comments would love to knock the smile right off of that cheerful and bubbly person!

          What the visibly melancholy person might better respond to is a little does of Validation.

          Validation is the most important communication skill to learn for healthy relationships. If couples and friends responded to each other with validation, there would be a lot less need for relationships counseling, because there would be a lot less relationship conflict.

What Validation IS-

          Validation is the act of letting someone know that you understand their feelings and what they are expressing to you. To validate is allowing someone to feel their experience the only way he or she knows how- through their eyes. It is letting the person feel what they feel, and allowing them to feel comforted by your supportive or empathic words. You then have given a gift to that person, because you have anchored your loved one, friend, or acquaintance in an emotionally secure way, so that they no longer feel as if they are misunderstood, unheard, or separated from others. Validation is a way to ground the one who is telling your something or venting to you- Validation is to the emotional self what a security blanket is to a small child. 

What Validation is NOT-

          So it is most likely easier for an optimist to give good advice, and for somoeone whose life is going well to be optimistc.  What the well-meaning optimist does not realize is that the worst vice is advice. It is not validating. It is not offering a remedy or fix-it solution. To validate is not to challenge, change, or ignore your friend or loved one’s feelings.  To validate is also not to express empathy while adding a “but” after the kind words, because everything before the “but” then becomes null and void in the emotional mind. Validating someone’s experience or feelings does not mean that you agree with the facts they express to you of a situation, but that you are accepting and acknowleding their feelings about their experience despite factual information and despite your opinion or feelings of how they SHOULD be feeling.

On DBT skills: Radical Acceptance

          Radical acceptance is by far one of my favorite DBT skills. One very wise client who shared my appreciation for the skill described Radical Acceptance as, “the balance between acceptance and change.” And what a balancing act this can be. We live amoung many ironies and paradoxes, and one happens to be that change is always occurring, AND that we strive to maintain equilibrium and stability- all systems resist change  (homeostasis). So with this we find ourselves often stuck in some sort of dilemma or mental place of suffering. Radical Acceptance is radically accepting something that you have been fighting or resisting, once you have found that your situation cannot be changed. It is the skill of un-tensing yourself and realizing that no matter how hard you swim, the river will always flow one way. It is the willful act of deciding not to be willful. 

          It is being in the way of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

On DBT Skills: GIVE for Relationsips

Just remember,  in relationships, you get back only what you GIVE.

         Relationships are by far what life is all about. Relationships or the lack of healthy relationships can make or break any place. Humans are social creatures no matter who we are, and according to one great book, “Man was not meant to be alone.” Of course, there are many times in which we will find ourselves by ourselves, and learning to be by ourselves is definitely a skill to achieve. But what better way to increase the probability of connecting with others in a lasting emotionally intimate way , than to practice relationship effectiveness skills?  When it comes to relationship effectiveness DBT skills, GIVE is one of the most fundamental set skills  to get and keep healthy relationships. GIVE can help in the area of relationship conflict like no other DBT skill can, because the GIVE skills encompass the basic foundation of communication skills needed to avoid relationship conflict and build trust between people. GIVE stands for: Gentle, Interested (in others), Validate, and Easy Manner. 
           This set of skills is the most closest resemblance of how to love another, complete with actions and service rather than merely empty words. If every person in the world practiced GIVE…
          Imagine that we live in a world in which we are all capable of perfect love.   Imagine that we all choose to demonstrate perfect love to each other daily; every person you come in contact with gives you something, or does something for you, guaranteed. They give their undivided attention (Interest), their quality time (Interest), their jacket if you are chilly, a sandwich if you are hungry, a hug (Gentle), a card (Easy Manner), a kind word (Validate, Easy Manner). No matter what, you always get something from someone- as sure as the sun rises and sets, you have faith in others’ ability to be there for you, to care, to show you love through their actions. Wherever you go, there are no tears, because someone always has a tissue (Validate, Gentle). There is no loneliness, because someone always gives their time (Interest).  There is no neediness, because the flow of give and take encourages relationships. In fact, the more you give, the more others trust, and the more others trust, the more you receive. Love never fails in this world today- wherever you go, someone will give you what you need. They will demonstrate love through their intentional positive actions to you, and that you give back to others. This is a world in which the inhabitants understand that selflessness is the key- that to love is so serve others- humbly, kindly, patiently, and generously. No one holds back, because no one needs to. There is nothing to fear or distrust. Imagine a world in which everyone who says, “You are welcome!” truly means it, and proves it every time they interact with another human being.

 To schedule an appointment for counseling in Winter Park, Florida, please visit Harmony Counseling Group, or call 407.835.3673 today!

The Webster’s dictionary defines self-esteem as, “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself.”

So what makes up self-esteem, or how do we get it? One psychologist, Abraham Maslow, was able to sum up how he believes self-esteem is formed in what he called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. According to Maslow, the things that motivate us are sought after in this order:

It is a theory of climbing a ladder so to speak, always looking up to the next thing to tackle.

Self-esteem is perplexing and confounded, and is a major facet of human life. When you cross paths with an angry and raging person, you may be witnessing his last and final ditch effort to save himself from a broken spirit. Within the man who lost his ambition- or never had it to begin with, may be a man losing the battle against the “rat race,” and a man with little or no self-esteem. What about the school girl who gives in to peer pressures and sacrifices her values just to fit in and be liked? Or your friend who binges and abuses her body just to look like models in the magazines. What about that pesky boss who has to have control over every minute detail of your work day? Or the husband who just had an affair? Or the addict who took her final hit and lost it all? Look closer and you just might find that the crux of these issues is self-esteem. The need to belong, to be liked, respected, or appreciated, to feel connected… or maybe for some, the need just to FEEL anything.

Here lies the trap: The man who desires ambition thinks he will be fulfilled when he has a career purpose. But the man who has a career purpose will thirst for “success.” The school girl thinks that things will be all better if she can just fit in with the clique. The eating-disordered woman thinks that being thin will make her happy and free like all the thin women in the magazines who she thinks are happy and free. The lonely person thinks having a partner will make him or her whole. The addict thinks, “If I can just get one more hit…”

The pursuit of achieving self-esteem and happiness is elusive sometimes, and often sought after in the wrong places. So many of us live hit-to-hit rather than in-the-moment. In a world in which most of us live purpose-driven lives, the challenge may be achieving a balance between desiring the next best thing, and deciding to be satisfied and appreciative with what we have today, now, in this very moment.

The trap is that no matter how high we go, we drop off the other side. We have to create our own boundary- our own stopping line- when to stop the “rat race” and pursuits, and to be happy with our newly defined idea of success or happiness.

To schedule an appointment for therapy in Winter Park, Florida, please visit Harmony Counseling Group, or call 407.835.3673 today!